Tuesday, July 10, 2018
40 Years On Planet Earth
Written by: Melodee Lenz
(A Toilet Reader For Survival On A Watery Planet Full of Lunatics)
I've taken excerpts from a book I'm working on. It will be released sometime within a year. I'm working on it. It's kind of a personal goal, or my "meh, why not write a book?"
Below, in no particular order are some of the short sentence thought farts that will be in the book.
And Now... Excerpts from, "40 Years On Planet Earth."
My first thought about being alive was, "oh no...I'm a girl?" I thought this as I stared up at the ceiling and said to God, "I know I volunteered for this, but I should've been more specific." This revelation has been the hardest lesson to learn in 40 years. Be specific with your cosmic requests or you might be a girl who scares other women and intimidates most men.
Stairs are a funny thing. When you are small, they are a vertical playground that cause your Grandmother to nag and worry so much that your Father has no choice but to sell the house he custom built for his new family. Sorry Dad. I just liked those stairs and I was pretty sure I was invincible at the time.
When you are tiny, your only defense against the droll conversations of adults during dinner is to crap yourself while screaming.
Boardrooms. An honest title with a spelling mistake.
Laughing until cramping creates an addiction to experience it again. It's the only reason people don't commit suicide en masse, daily.
Pets are the only redeeming humans on the planet.
When I was a kid, it seemed as though quicksand would be a frequent stressor that I should probably have training to deal with. I have never seen quicksand in 40 years.
What a waste of mental energy that was.
The fascination with the sea is a phase that humans go through when they have realized everything they know is meaningless.
Great architecture seems to inspire quiet conversations. The perfection of angles are aching to hear the resounding crash of an ostentatious heirloom shattering on the marble tiles.
Religion in the deep south is as interesting as writing a book about mud. It's unavoidable, gets tracked into your house no matter how careful you are, and it has ruined a lot of weddings.
When you are small, you pretend to be grown and playtime includes the ordinary roles of life.
When you are grown, you know you are ordinary and you pretend you are not.
Red haired women have a harshness that can only be described accordingly: They give you the same feeling as hitting your shin really hard on a sharp edge of an Oak coffee table. You blame the table at first, then yourself for not realizing how careless you have become around such a monstrosity.
If you want to know the truth, ask Black people. They do not restrain themselves when the possibility of humor is present.
That kid in your class that seemed to be the grossest human in the world is still gross, but it's covered in a nice suit, loads of money, and a secret addiction to Japanese shit.
When you are a teenager, you are pretty sure you will "never see these people again."
You will, and they will make sure to remind you of how you behaved.
Teenage girl clicks extend far into the future and are now charity organizations called, "The Wives of...(name professional sports team franchise).." They still think they are cooler than you, but their power is only crystalized when they are clumped together with matching t-shirts and Cause bracelets.
Specialized groups are for people who need validation that their hobby isn't weird and that they haven't failed...yet.
Divorce is highly recommended when you suspect that you are living a lie that has somehow roped another person into a poorly written biography. I recommend a good ol' fashioned book burning.
Giving a teenager keys to a car they don't have to pay for is as reckless as giving an 8 year old it's own amusement park.
The local governments have always been run by those smug student council kids that enjoyed Saturday morning food drives and car washes. The true patriots were smoking cigarettes with the art teacher in the bank parking lot behind the gym.
You can be certain you are extraordinary when the ordinary does everything to assure you that you are not.
They say, "Blood is thicker than water," but water is the only substance that all of creation must have to survive.
Animals know how to cooperate to ensure their survival. Humans have only to aspire to such High principals that come naturally to even the common field mouse.
Boredom is just a term for having to put up with the mundane against your will.
Don't trust a man that spends more time in the restroom than is necessary.
Humor is the only sure method of survival in an unfair and terrible situation.
Everything you hear on the news is 10% true, 60% misinformation, and 30% worse than you can possibly imagine.
When you are small, you assume that everyone big knows what they are doing. When you are big, you know that you will never be as wise as you were when you were small.
One word about living in Hollywood... Don't.
I've heard my entire life that dreams do come true. In my case, I hope that isn't true because it would really freak some people out.
When you meet someone who tries their hardest to show you how different they are, it's a safe bet they are as interesting as the space between their words.
Growing up, we all have had at least one mean teacher. This is the first of many lessons we will have in dealing with people who have failed themselves.
Bureaucracy is a $10 dollar word to describe a powerful idiot's 2 cents.
Private school for me, was like putting a leopard in a zoo of pampered house cats. I was a danger to myself and others and if you don't stop staring at me, I'm GOING TO break the glass.
Public school suited me. Being mixed up in the Brach's Big Grab Sack of humanity helped me to understand early on how we got into this terrible mess.
Be wary of some psychotherapists. Anyone who wants to willingly sit across a desk from someone who is questioning their own inner compass, is the Bermuda Triangle of people.
Propaganda is powerful. Growing up in the late 70's and early 80's proves this. A Russian family was being interviewed on the nightly news broadcast. My 4 year old brother exclaimed, "I've always wondered what a baby Russian looked like? They're human?"
I never understood patriotism until I questioned the government.
In 40 years, I'm still asking my Dad for a trampoline for my birthday. He is still emphatically saying, "No."
In 40 years, I still prefer to talk to a dog instead of a person. Unless of course you count werewolves.
One thing I've learned, among many, in my 40 years on the planet is that paranormal activity is actually normal activity that seems not-normal to people who like to only observe predictability.
In 40 years, I have yet to get my Dad to curse in front of me and I still cannot wear a two piece swimsuit on family vacations without him throwing me a XXL t-shirt with a historical landmark of Texas printed on it.
I learned about the vicious nature of the Gulf Coast Seagull back in 1999 when my Dad warned my brother and I to fully cover up the delicious hot dogs with the lid of the grill, "or else." He had not finished his stern Texan warning when the sharp points of a thousand beaks dove at my gently palmed Hebrew National hot dog on the thinnest of paper plates.
Fathers do not admit a lack of knowledge even in the face of terrific and very real danger. The summer of 1993 will be remembered as, "There's Only A Few Jellyfish this time of year," instead of the more accurate title, "It's jellyfish mating season and you are swimming through hundreds of them OH MY GOOOO...."
"Look What I caught Dad!" To which my father in his infinite calmness said, "that's a baby shark, good job." I then said, "I'm going back to the shore Dad." Which he followed up with, "Alrighty, hey I see a bigger one, bring me back the bait would y'uh?"
Life has a way of forcing gratitude on you in the most bittersweet moments you can barely stomach.
Gratitude is the chaser when you have to eat crow.
Humble pie is the most sour of all the tarts that life can bake in the Cafe du Vive.
At times, family can be a lot like having sand in your shorts. If you ignore them, you just get a rash.
I once had a neighbor that complained when I ran the vacuum. I felt that both the vacuum and the neighbor had a lot in common.
The entertainment industry and prostitution are almost the same thing with one exception...
There's probably a lot less phony people in the ladder.
New York is a sort of human social experiment that's purpose is breaking any notion you may have that you are special or different.
New York will prove to you one of two things... The first one being the fact that you aren't important. The second is that if you stand out in the crowd, you are probably crazy.
I knew that New York was all it was cracked up to be when I sat in a diner to avoid a blizzard and overheard an argument between middle aged twin brothers who sounded EXACTLY like Mickey Mouse.
The deep south is full of deadly snakes. Some of them even wear suits on Sundays.
I've been all over the world and one thing remains consistent: Idiots.
Germans Do have humor, contrary to popular opinion. Granted, you don't see it right away because it's buried under rigid expectations, practical clothing and sensible footwear.
When visiting Ireland, it's best to remember their way of relating to one another. If they can't wallow in the past, they will fight. IF they can't fight, they will sing. IF they won't sing, then they aren't Irish... they are German tourists.
The English are a funny lot. They delight in verbal papercut insults and are appalled with anyone who throws a punch after being repeatedly lacerated. "Tis a fun game of wits, nothing more..." Until of course, it is.
When I was in Israel, I delighted in the verbal sparring of the Jewish people. The only reason the country still stands is because they agree to disagree.
Being from Texas, when I traveled abroad, I never felt blamed for the mistakes of the United States. Texans get a free pass everywhere in the world because they assume you ride a horse to work, carry a shotgun, and remember the Alamo.
The Dutch are an eerily civilized people. I didn't stay there for long.
When you visit Turkey, it's best to assume that every building has a Djinn living in it. This is the only explanation you have for the ominous feeling of doom you will have, every.single.day.
In my 20's I couldn't wait to move away. In my 30's I came back, and then ran away to the circus. At 40, I'm doing a check-in by writing this, but I will probably do something stupid pretty soon and I can hardly wait!
I have a fascination with unbalanced people who work in very important industries. What came first? This thought has become my own mental Chinese fingertrap.
People who have strange eating quirks are always such a let down.
There are certain types of people who will always order soup. Usually they are extremely judgemental but it's hidden under the warm frothy smug smile they show you when you ask them for life advice. We inherently trust "the soup eater," but we shouldn't.
They are lacking the personality entree.
Meetings at work are designed to give you the feeling of progress without the result of it.
Nobody ever understands women who do not want to have children. Everyone assumes that they will eventually want to have children and they will tell you this until they insult you when you are 40 by saying, "Well, it's too late now anyway." Which is fine, because I DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Thanks for being an asshole with kids.
Your kids like me more, and they always will...
I'm not dead inside.
A truly toxic person is someone who is certain that they know more about you than you do.
Most people are conformists. It's hard to be the 100th Monkey, but that monkey get's written about in scientific journals.
I've never understood the thing women do with their voices. The thin mealy cadence and non-committal upward ending vocal frequency that screams, "I'm a dumb ass," is not helping the feminist movement... which I am not a part of. Learn to speak like you mean it, lower your pitch, and then I'll reconsider playing on your team.
Guys that get emotionally or violently disturbed by the outcome of a sporting event are empty carcasses of broken dreams.
If you have a little boy and you do not allow him to develop his artistic side, you should start a savings account right now... You'll be bailing him out of jail at some point sooner than you think.
I may not have children, but that doesn't mean I'm not an expert at raising them. I've watched everyone's mistakes and successes from a front row seat my entire life.
I know the game better than the players, I'm a children's entertainer.
When you make them cry, I make them laugh. When you've stopped inspiring them, I will ignite the spark again. I hate my job.
If Hillary Clinton could just look down the barrel of a camera in a confession style video booth and say, "Yeah, I know how I seem. I have had to play ball in a male dominated world for too long. I've torn my soul, broken my spirit, and patched it up each time with decommissioned parts. I wear blazers to hide my pain. I just want to be president for like, I don't know, a day or something...I'm tryin' to keep a 100, but honestly I just don't know how to anymore." If she could say that, she would've been elected, but she won't because it would kill what's left of her.
I don't think the young people know what Socialism really is. I know how to fix that problem. Send them to North Korea and say, "okay you are all equal now! Are you happy?" They will be until they realize they can't play PS4, or troll everyone on Reddit who has a different opinion.
People who hurt animals are not people anymore. They should be stripped of all their personal people rights so they can feel what it is like to be an animal at the mercy of people.
I have always loved Squirrels. Nothing more to say, I just love them.
For some people the concept of Faith is taught to them by religion. For me, faith was gifted to me by my dog of 16 years. I prayed for the first time and meant it in an act of desperation to save her life in what was a lost cause. I awakened the next morning with licks to the face and another year of altruistic love. The most profound experiences always begin in a high stakes bet against all odds.
If you have been burned by religion and are now atheist, that is the same as getting food poisoning from poorly prepared sushi and refusing the eat anything else for the rest of your life.
If you find yourself in a job, or social group, and everyone ignores what you have to say... Congrats! You have something to say.
Authentic people are few. Synthetic people are abundant. It takes people who can recognize your worth to showcase how brilliant you are. Yet, there are those who will display the synthetic person as being, "the real thing." No worries, they don't hold up under that kind of pressure. Authenticity shines brighter when those around them have collapsed from the weight of their own shoddy architecture.