Sunday, July 28, 2019

Anger, Frustration, Injustice And Burped Bile

If you have the feeling of acid swirling around in your stomach when you are around certain situations, people, or (in some cases) yourself, you might be needing a good ol' fashioned self-check on your anger.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that for 99% of my life I was the classic "door mat" personality type. I allowed everyone to take advantage of my good nature. I was indoctrinated in the Judeo-Christian philosophies of "Do unto others..." 

The only thing left out of that sweeping and almost universal philosophy was the little bit about, "Jesus gets pissed too..."

Buddha also was pissed.

Mohammed was super pissed.

All of the Hindu gods were pissed.

Zoroaster was pissed.

St. Francis was REALLY pissed off.

Mother Teresa... her catalyst? Yeah, she was pissed.

Gandhi- Quietly pissed but still really pissed. 

All the headliners of spiritual enlightenment were super pissed off.

I think there would be less atheist in the world if THIS was taught more than the hippy dippy stuff mixed with this schizophrenic "hail and brimstone, blood sacrifices..." type stuff. It made no sense to me either.

The Gnostic scholars were pissed too... all of the middle super important parts of our Hebraic religions as well as the Early Christian accounts were all left out of the mass produced Holy Book. A group of rich dudes called the Counsel of Nicea, (think Bilderberg Group with religious agendas of global domination)
decided it probably wasn't a great idea to tell the stupid mouth breathing masses about the origins of everything, why they are in the mess they are in, and how this life isn't the only life we've had or will have.  It's best to keep it confusing- Said ALL OF THEM in that Counsel of Nicea meeting. In fact, let's go ahead and get rid of all the scholars, libraries and any ancient scroll still hanging around from 10,000 years ago... burn it all, kill it all, hide it all.

I say all of that to say this....

We have been rinse and repeating this search for truth since the beginning. Each time we get close to it, some sort of stupid distraction fuels the fire of our anger and deepest sense of doubt and fear.
We never get to the "love thy neighbor" nor do we FULLY understand the concept in its entirety because we are PISSED OFF AND WANT EVERYONE TO BE COOL MAN!

As I type this there's a kid around 12 years old next door that screams constantly and is THE MOST IRRITATING child I've ever met in my life. He is currently screaming and flailing around within the window I was just watching birds out of. The fire that burns in my stomach is palpable. I want to go out there and get 1 inch from his face (or his parent's face) and put the fear of a thousand volcanos into them. I can't do that because it will get on the news.  This kid is taking the peace from me but who is allowing it? Me. So am I a slave to that kid? Yep. How does that 12 year old spoiled terrible child have such control over how I feel? 

Is it because I am viewing him as separate from me? Something I can "do something about." Sure he's separate from me in bodily form. But he's not really separate from me in an energetic way. Our energy is inhabiting the same space. Our frequencies are dissonant tones. If you could only perceive the frequencies of our energy you would hear the worst horror movie sound ever constructed. I can't "tune in" to that kid's frequency or he can't attune into mine until one of us decides to balance the polarities and create balance. 
Because this kid is unimaginably ignorant and damn near feral, I must be the one that tunes my own frequencies/feelings/output so that balance can be achieved. It may not be harmonious sounds, but it won't be the styrofoam shrieking of what it is now.

When I was the "old me" as in the door mat I mentioned above, it was because I repressed being pissed off. I thought it was wrong to be pissed off. When I had such anger, I didn't release it so I eventually in my early 20's had a bleeding ulcer in my stomach which required a tremendous dietary change, tons of doctor visits, and eventually the only thing that got rid of it was acupuncture. 

My stomach stopped burning but then the panic attacks began. The feeling had moved up and into my heart area.

There was one particular event that happened that was so unfair and awful and abusive toward me (but mostly my dog) that all of the years of repressed rage came out in one big violent anime level chakra blast toward the aggressor.  The rage was so powerful and happened so fast that I had sort of blacked out.
When I "came to" from that experience, there was a hole the size of a watermelon in the kitchen wall and the person who had been the horrible ABUSER was unconscious lying on the floor bleeding.

My stomach stopped hurting, my heart no longer hurt, and I was clear about a lot of things. For one, I got out of that relationship. Secondly, I loved my dog enough to almost kill someone for hurting her.
Thirdly- I had a lot of untapped power that scared the hell out of me.

"What do I do now," I thought to myself as I waited for the police and ambulance to show up. Well, I tell the truth. That's all I can do. I just tell the truth.

I told the truth and it was such a real truth that I had never told before that I believe it was the sole reason I never had to deal with that outburst in any legal way. The police understood what had happened and they also saw the older bruises I had from previous encounters with this person, along with neighbors and family coming to my defense.

After all of that, the old creeping guilt came roaring back like a starved lion. I wish I had known back then that it was almost dead n' gone. The guilt of a completely justified action of self-defense and the defense of the defenseless was completely justified and possibly applauded!

Yet, there I was thinking "I shouldn't have been that mad or done that.." I actually at one point fell sorry for the a**hole who threw a puppy and me across the room?! A person who was not stupid, not on drugs, and quite successful. This person had the world at his fingertips and yet, and yet...

Let's fast forward to 2019.

I still get angry. A lot. Now it's more often than when I had every reason to be angry way back when.
The "release valve" is hair trigger sensitive. I do not find this to be destructive because it never turns into the volcanic explosion it did 20 years ago. However, I find that this anger or frustration, irritation and annoyance is justified but not worth the bile it produces in the pit of my stomach.

Anyone who has been pushed around by life a bit too much and overcome it, has this hair trigger response to injustice. This is a common thread. Action is the only way to get the inner voice that says "fight fight fight for what is right right right," but we don't fight.  Instead we must find ways with compassion and integrity to state why we feel the way we do and how that feeling is on the path to "Do unto others..." utopia.  We can't "do unto others" if we don't know who our neighbor, metaphorically speaking- Is?

If we are looking only at self. Surface self says I need money, I need food, I need better friends, I need a better car, my friend things they are better than me, I'm better than my friend... etc..
It's jealousy, hatred, envy, desire, and fear that are calibrating your personality construct. 

These people who make you feel frustrated, angry, hopeless.. these situations that make you feel angry, hopeless, fed up... They are the result of someone else's free will.  Do you have free will? Sure you do. Nobody can get into your mind and change your thoughts unless you allow them to. You are the gatekeeper. Would you give everyone you know keys to your house? So why do you give them keys to your emotional mind? Your most precious gifts are stored in there as well as your power. Is this not true?

There's an old wisdom teacher from India who says, "Instead of saying 'i think this' or 'i think that' you must say the reality which is 'i make of this and I make that,' because you are making, not thinking."  
-Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

We teach what me most need to learn... and do not take this article as "Oh Melodee thinks she's some sort of spiritual leader...she's soooo not even close."  Yeah I know.  Duh.
I'm a human that is dealing with being human. That doesn't mean 'human' is less than anything... it means that within us we contain good and bad.  The balance of the universe is within human beings. We are extremely resilient beings in that way. 
If the animal kingdom were as conflicted as we are, we certainly wouldn't have pets.

We are all all good and we are all bad. We carry the pivot point within us. When we are out of balance we can swing too good(how I was growing up) and we become doormats and enable negative people to feel more powerful. If we are out of balance on the negative side, we run amuck inside a self-created facade of destructive power.  Both out of balance positive and out of balance negative destroy themselves in the end.  What happens when light gets near a black hole? They cancel each other out and neither really exist as Matter. It is Anti-Matter.  It's not the Light vs. Dark it's the Balance vs. Imbalance that we should be trying to perfect.

Be the pivot point. The center of the umbrella. The apex of the pyramid of Giza. 
The reason all those spiritual leaders and wise old ones of ancient texts were so wise is because they DID get pissed. They were balanced. How can you learn from any teacher who hasn't experienced the ignorance of the subject they are teaching about? 

Enlightenment as defined in the ancient literal translations of Coptic Christian, Hindu, Buddhist texts, means: The Seeking of knowledge, wisdom and understanding.  When we do not seek we are ignorant and remain blind to ourselves and others. When we seek to know, to understand,  we are En-Lightened. We BECOME lighter. We lighten our load. We decrease the harsh density and confusion of the material world. Meditation on a mountain with no resistance, no distractions, no temptation is one way... but in our world of media, technology, diversity of foods, people, art, music, clothing... to continue to SEEK understanding, wisdom, and knowledge is living within the pivot point/the balance/the center of the umbrella.  Allowing life to happen while SEEKING understanding of life IS Enlightenment.

So... get pissed sometimes. It's okay. You are the balance. Accept all within you with gentleness and understanding and seek to apply this understanding and compassion to the world around you. Let the anger, frustration and irritation have its circuitry within you and accept it, admit it to yourself, and then say "I own my thoughts. My thoughts do not OWN me."  But do KNOW them. That is the root of all understanding within and without.